The Office 101: An Informal Guide to Corporate Survival

There are endless resources on proper business etiquette with topics ranging from how to shake hands to what to wear and so on. But what they haven’t told you is just as important, if you want to make it in corporate America.

The office can be comparable to the land of Oz: You have the Dorothys who always want to go home; the love hungry tin men, the confused cowardly lions, the brainy straw men, the goodie-two-shoes Glendas, the envious wicked witches, and the Totos who don’t know how or why they’re there, but they’re there.

A very different dynamic exists between peer-to-peer employee relationships and boss-to-employee relationships. Your boss, no matter how demanding, can actually be easier to work with than your fellow coworkers. In most cases, your boss just wants one thing from you…the job done. Those that work with you pay special attention to things that may not necessarily affect your job performance. And this can be more stressful than the job itself.

Dress to Kill and Be Killed

You’re supposed to dress for the job you want and not the job you have, right? Well, let’s say you are ambitious and actually dress for the job you want. No malicious intent; you just have your sight set on a bright future. Beware. Going to the office every day dressed to impress will get you in trouble with your peers. This tends to intimidate others and will be sure to put you at the top of the reject list with your fellow coworkers. Not that you’re campaigning for “Most Popular,” but know that this behavior will leave you at the coffee pot alone.

Award Winners are Losers

Wow! You did it! You’ve been working so hard on that project for your boss and you were finally recognized for it. You’re proud and you should be…but don’t think your coworkers will share your enthusiasm. Upper management will appreciate your diligence but your team will most likely consider you a kiss-up. So if you are an overachiever, be prepared to shun the majority. Getting awards and special recognition will not get you brownie points with your coworkers but the label of a brown-noser.

Motivators with a Motive

The good 'ole wolf in sheep’s clothing story is the perfect way to describe this type of coworker. Someone has to get the scoop on you to share with the others hence the spy is sent out to do the job. He or she seems to be so supportive…gives wonderful compliments…along with 50 million questions about your personal life. This person will never share anything about him or herself but seems very interested in what you’re up to. This lets you know it’s a reconnaissance mission. Look out for this type especially. They know how to catch you on a bad day and present themselves as a shoulder to cry on. So if you find yourself answering a 10-page questionnaire about your social life, it doesn’t always mean you are making a friend. The office is about business, productivity and profitability. A promotion could change the disposition of an office friendship…especially if you become the boss. This doesn’t mean you have to live life like a CIA agent but you do have to be extra careful of what information you share.

Silence is Gold-Plated not Golden

Let’s say you have gotten behind in your work. In order to catch up, you skip the chatter and bury your head in your work. At the end of the day, you feel great because you’ve accomplished your goal. But wait…you didn’t say much to anyone. You may have gotten more work done but you are in violation of the unspoken code: Talk-to-me. This code is to be held at all times! If not, then it is assumed that something is wrong. In an office setting, there are usually cubicles with little privacy. You see the same people for 40 hours+ a week. This is more than you see your family and friends. It’s natural for them to notice any changes in your behavior. Just know that this can make your coworkers uncomfortable. For sanity’s sake, it’s best to stay consistent. If you don’t really have time for sports or reality TV rants, make it known why or else face prosecution.

The Telephone Game

Everyone knows the telephone game. If not, it’s a children’s game in which one person whispers a simple message in the ear of another and it gets passed on to the next person within a group. The last person to hear the message announces it aloud. The last message is usually so different from the original…and extremely hilarious. However, it’s not so funny in the office. This may shock some but gossipers are not always women. Men pass comments, send emails, and get into frivolous, catty conversations just as well. Rest assured gossip makes for a terrible workplace. Whether you are ethical or not, religious or non-religious, Team Edward or Team Jacob, negative speech makes for a negative environment. The more critical you are, the more miserable you’ll become. Gossip makes for a good time at the coffee pot...but always at someone's expense.

All in all, every job has its challenges. The intention of this article is not to make you a paranoid schizophrenic but to enlighten you. The corporate office environment is similar to high school. The same cliques exist: mean girls, geeks, jocks, bullies, etc. Awareness will eliminate surprises making you fully prepared to succeed in the office. Just be yourself and know that climbing the corporate ladder of success will not just take hard work and skill but some serious mental stamina. In the words of Jedi Obi-Wan Kenobi, “May the Force be with you.”

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